Rants
by Webdemon
Summary: Well I was approached By Naruto to get this rant out for the masses. and here it is....Read and LEARN
1. Rant 1

**The Many rants of the Naruto Gang**

Here is a rant brought to you by the me. They asked me to do this I swear

* * *

Naruto: We did.

Author: well First off is Pein.

Pein: I don see why we all have to share a rant. We all have different issues to address ,We all need our own rants.

Author: It's this or nothing dude.

Pein: Damn...well I am the leader of the Akatsuki and my real name is none of your damn business. I am NOT Naruto's dad, anyone's dad, the mouse from 'pinky and the brain" or anyone else for that matter. I am a completely new character. All of your stupid theories were wrong. Get over yourselves and shut the hell up.

Author: next up is Itachi Uchiha

Itachi: Thank you author for having me

Author: Okay yeah just do it dude

Itachi: Well I will start by saying that YOU KNOW DAMN WELL who I am. Also to shut those fan girls up I am not GAY. I will never and I repeat NEVER love my brother, Naruto, that pink haired bitch, Kisame, Anyone in the Akatsuki ( but I will say Konan is hot though. that's it.)

10 hours later....

Itachi: the Easter bunny, You as OC, your OC or anyone else I forgot. I am a cold motherfucker. respect it bitches

author: Next up is Kisame

Kisame: Yeah I'm Kisame. I am in no way related to jaws, flipper, free willy, Nessie or any other famous see creatures. I am NOT from Atlantis and I can't talk to fish. Leave that shit to Aquafag. I am not Suigetsu's dad and am not half shark. I just look like that. Also I am not gay. I don't like Itachi and I don't keep plushies of him under my bed....I swear

Author:......okay then next here is Deidara.

Deidara: thanks dude. Okay to clear this mess about me..... I AM NOT A GIRL, I'M NOT THE AKATSUKI'S SEX SLAVE AND I DON'T GIVE MYSELF A BLOWJOB WITH THE MOUTHS ON MY HANDS.

and for you fan girls out there I DON'T LIKE SASORI..YA GOT THAT?!?!........What..I don't.....I'm done here

Author: That was short....well next up is Sasori.

Sasori: Much appreciated author....Let me start this with my issue with the certain Disney character. Seriously enough with the Pinocchio jokes already, I'll admit it was funny the first few times but now it's just sad. Also to those fan girl hoes I just want to point out that I AM NOT GAY!?!?!? I don't like Deidara so just back off with that. Also that pink haired bitch who ended my life. Yeah she can just die somewhere.......

.......you can go away now.

Author: Next is our very own Tobi

Tobi: um I am Tobi and I'm a good boy um---uuhhhh.....uhhh I forgot why I am even here............I LIKE PANCAKES :D....oh and I think I should wear goggle instead of a mask.

Author:.......that Tobi....Well anyway next up is Kakuzu

Kakuzu: Am I getting paid for this?

Author: Yes Kakuzu I promise.

Kakuzu: Good. first off I don't whore myself out for money, I don't use my tentacles to do any perverted crap. Also to those yaoi fan hoes I don't like that foulmouth Hidan or any of the Akatsuki. I will also go ahead and crush your hopes right now by saying I am married to a beautiful wife and three wonderful kids. They have full time jobs you know....and if any of you say "good cover" I will rip your heart out and sell it on ebay. that is all.

Author: okay next up is Hidan, I warn you the following has explicit and gratuitious use of the F-bomb

Hidan: Yeah yeah yeah Shut the fuck up. They get it. I am a sailor mouth. So the fuck what.

Author; what ever ass hole get on with it.

Hidan: Okay first off...WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU FUCKING PEOPLE.I AM NOT FUCKING GAY YOU BITCH ASS MOTHERFUCKING SHITHEADS. I SWEAR YOU FAN GIRLS YOU KEEP THAT SHIT UP AND JASHIN HELP ME I WILL RIP YOU APART LIMB FROM FUCKING LIMB. Fuck...bunch is dumb mother fuckers up in here.

Author:......good ol' Hidan next up is Konan.

Konan:but I don't have anything...i mean I wish I could complain about being abused.....I just want to be loved..it that so much to ask? *sniffle*............I better be a girl damn it....and No Yuri....I am not a lesbian..I like guys...and I have a big bust....DD's ..So Fuck you and those strawberry panic bitches or what have you......Yeah that's right I m calling you out bunch a-

Author: hokay..that's enough...next up is Zetsu....and his plant thing.

Zetsu: You people are sick you know that?

**Yeah you wanna see a real freak look in mirror**.

Zetsu: That's it for me so where do we eat?

**The same place we eat every night. VEGAS..**

Yeah....Vegas What happens in vegas..

**Stays in Vegas**

Author: I would just to point out that the following views and opinions expressed here do not reflect the view I have. How ever I don't agree with some of your fetishes but I am not one to judge. Next up is Orochimaru.

Orochimaru: Hello there my loyal fans. I am here to talk about some things about that have been circulating the fandom community. You see it has recently come to my attention that some of you guys out there have been seeing me as child molester. Why some you you even nicknamed me the "Michael Jackson" of Anime. So... All I have to say is....WHAT THE HECK PEOPLE. talk about quick to judge. I mean what makes you guys think such things about me? I am just a simple evil villain that wants Sasuke body and..

Author: *snicker* -.......XD

Orochimaru: What...what's so funny Author?

Author: Nothing dude..........

Orochimaru: oh oh oh..I get what it is now....No no I get his game now. Well you don't have any evidence to support your evidence at all do you?....didn't think so. your just a bunch of fuckheads that can't keep their minds out of the gutter..Well you know what..Fuck you...Fuck the lot of you....I don't need this crap.....Kabuto bring around the hummer...We are leaving.

Kabuto: Yes Lord Orochimaru.

(a purse is seen on a table.)

Orochimaru; Forgot my purse.. *hmph*

Author:..........anyway next up is our very own Naruto Uzumaki. Your on dude

Naruto: Mic check testing 1 2 1 2. are we on

Author: yes it works now do it.

Naruto: *ahem* Greeting folks, Naruto Uzumaki here. After discovering that Orochimaru had given a rant or two, I just thought I would ask the author to let me do one too. Unlike Orochimaru who was rambling on about being an accused Pedo (Which is really true I mean seriously) I actually have some solid complaints about some issues that I deem necessary to talk about. So first and for most

for the fan girls out there I have this to say about you:.....YOU SICKOS. Let me make this clear to you creeps. .IIIII AAAAM NNNOT GAAAY?!??!?

Seriously just cause you like Yaoi doesn't mean you have to be ignorant. Can you NOT see that I like Sakura? Can you NOT see that I am a future pervert in training. And don't even THINK about pulling the " aww but you kissed Saskay-kun" Card on me. I am 100% straight.. that was a fucking accident. So back the fuck off...Jeez..... My second thing is that It would just be wonderful if you would stop pairing me with girls that I hardly know......and that includes and I have always wanted to say this. _**THAT INCLUDES HINATA**_ . I mean I hardly know the girl. Also me with Shikamaru's mom and Sakura's mom, I MEAN REALLY GUYS YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HER LET ALONE WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE. besides with the whole NaruHina thing it's not gonna happen, I mean she is cute but this is a shounen manga, Not some cheesy romance comic. So stop it.

Fox: Don't forget about me you twerp.

Naruto: oh yeah the fox has this beef that HE would like to address. first of all. HE is not a girl. HE does not make ME go into heat and fuck every sentient being in the Leaf village and He does NOT I repeat does NOT make me pregnant. YA GOT IT?? COMPRENDE!?!?!?!...... It's called anatomy. Go to school and ask about it you morons.

Sasuke:Of course It doesn't silly that's why I have this potion just for you.

Naruto: SASUKE WHAT THE FUCK MAN, And NO that's not gonna work either

Sasuke:B-but how will you help me revive my clan? D:

Naruto.....I am going to haul ass right now. (runs like his life depended on it.)

Sasuke: wait Naruto you have to bare my children

Naruto: FUCK OFF YOU!?!?!

Sasuke: not without you

Author:that was odd....okay then next is Sakura Haruno....

Sakura:Hey now I wouldn't call this a rant just a chance to voice my opinion on some-

Author; would you just get ON WITH IT?!?!?!

Sakura: *hmph* rude anyway yes I am Sakura haruno and I would like to speak out about some things about how I am portrayed around the Fandom Community. Ill start by asking this

:C WHY..WHY DO ALL HATE ME SO MUCH?

If it's about me being mean to Naruto or me and Sasuke or being too weak, I'm not anymore I swear. I mean I am SO over Sasuke. And I am not a bitch....I 'll admit I was mean to Naruto.....but that's it. I actually am less selfish than before. I promise. Lesse ... oh yeah... NO pairng me with every single character in the series.....I mean half of them don't make sense. I mean Kakashi sensei for example I mean I know he's a pervert but he's not a Pedophile. That crap you talk to Orochimaru about. And those pervert Yuri Fanpeople ( I include you girl too damn it) the pairing of me and Ino...I mean your sick really, I am not one of those sluts you see on girls gone wild. also no pairing me with borderline Psychotics that have tried to kill me in the past. Like Gaara

Gaara: I am not that desperate for love....No way pal not me

Sakura: Itachi

Itachi: I'd rather shoot myself

Sakura: And Sasori

Sasori: YOU FUCKING HOE!?!?!?!? YOUR THE ONE WHO KILLED ME YOU JEZEBEL.

Sakura: and above all this rambling don't I mean DON'T even pair me with Lee in your sick and twisted SasuNaru fanfics. I mean for real do you think how UGLY our kids would like? I mean DAMN. *sigh* I guess that leaves me With Naruto.. I am sorry to say this I don't see him that wa-

Naruto: either finish up or give me back my pants Sakura?!?!?!

Sakura: O_O".......eh...I uh.....heheheh I should be going now eh?

Author: yes you should..thanks again Sakura...and last but not least the hyuuga girl her self Hinata Hyuuga. Okay girl your up.

Hinata. uhh h-hello there everybody....I am Hinata hyuuga and I uhh..I.....oh I don't want to talk to these sickos. :(. I mean seriously you guys call ME a stalker yet you are the one drawn porn of Me and Naruto (Though I did enjoy it ^ ^) you guys are such perverts. I don't want to be rude but you guys really need to go see a shrink. And all those pairings of yours? Seriously is that Necessary? Don get me wrong I understand (and eternally am thankful for) the NaruHina thing, I even can get KibaHina or ShinoHina since they are my teammates (I don't really see them that way thought. they both know about my crush on Naruto.) But pairing me with every guy I have never even met, every member of the Akatsuki. Tsunade (Gross) My relatives (incest is a sin you jerks). you as Oc's ( Not being rude! I am sure their are some nice people but I am A fictional Character....I don't exist and even if I did I would still be faithful to Naruto) and a fucking damn dog?(That's bestiality you perverts). YOU PEOPLE ARE MONSTERS...End of story....to my true fan thank you for rooting for me to be my best and helping me get Naruto To see me as a woman.

Also your fanfics.....Please a monkey with a laptop could write better than the crap you guys write..... (except the NaruHina one's...the GOOD one's). I mean half of them make me out to be some sleazy skank. and you call yourselves my fans. So once again to my loyal TRUE fan's thank you for everything...But just them... The rest of you guys need to grow up and get out more often. Also don't make a silver medal Sakura replacement that Naruto uses for sex.

Naruto: hey Hinata you done here?

Hinata: (blushing).......MEEP* (plops to the floor)

Naruto:..okaaaaayy *freak*

author: well that's it...... And Now to end this thing Naruto!

Naruto:....OKay then you guys ready?

everyone else; READY!!

Everyone at the same time: GET A DAMN LIFE YOU OTAKU'S.

Author: I would like to say that view that were expressed here do not I repeat_** DO NOT**_ reflect my own. I just decided to let them speak out (This is based on a comic I read and the credit for this rant goes to Novanator and the parties affialted with him)

Well now that this is out of the way I am gonna watch cloverfield on my lappy....PACE OUT?!?!?!?!


	2. Rant 2 Final

**The Many rants of the Naruto Gang..Part 2  
**

Here is a rant brought to you by the me. They asked me to do this I swear...

* * *

So now I have a new installment of the rant series. More people have come forward to me about them wanting to communicate to you guys about certain issues. Here they, To start things off is our very own blond wondergirl Ino Yamanaka.

Ino: Thank you for doing this for me. By the way how are you?

Author: I'm fine. Now get to it girl. You only have a certain time limit.

Ino:Okay then here I go. Hola **HATERS**. The gossip has been spreading again about me as many horrible things have been said about Moi. Now I want to tell you guys that I wil not take this sitting down, No sir not at all. I will start by the way I dress

Author: Hurry up skimpy!

Ino: Hey that's- *angry sigh* You see that's what I'm talking about. Don't be hatin' on me cause of the way I dress myself up everyday (I do have copies of the same cloths.) In the ninja world every second counts and the less you have on the better. It's about life or death people. Not about whether or not I should show off my body. Also I maybe blond but I'm not completely dumb enough to wear orange **ALL** the damn time. I mean you really want to get noticed as to wear that ugly color, *cough* NARUTO *cough*. *Ahem*, Anyway the next item of of concern is my body. I mean come on I've got the goods, I don't see why I can't show off. Hinata ain't the only one who's well endowed. I have nothing to hide, Sakura also has NOTHING to hide. Ahahahah Get it? NO BOOBS. She's a flat chested billboard brow, I mean serious that forehead is fucking HUGE! All that space for a small brain. What a waste.

Speaking of Sakura I noticed that most of you have been using me as a guinea pig for Sakura's many flaws. That's so immature people! Just because she looks like a doesn't make me a slut. Grow up! And another thing. Seriously it pisses me off when you all call me a brainless retarded fangirl! Come one guys it's not fair to me or anyone else that you all give ALL the girls in anime that discriminatory label, (Yes I KNOW what that words means...Stereotypical assholes). Besides do you know why I started hating that pink haired skank in the first place. SHE is the enemy. I'm the victim here!

Noe about you fags with your SHIKATEMA hatred. Look the only reason Shikamaru has my body is because Chouji needs to go all over the place, NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO SCREW HIM! Jeez This is a Shounen manga, Not to be confused with SHOUJO...fuckers! And just because I have a thing for dark haired pale skinned people does not mean I WHORE myself out like a loose bitch! I have my dignity too you know. lastly I will now like to tell you people that I clearly and VERY MUCH do NOT and I mean **NOT** like Deidara. There are two main differences with him and I. I HAVE A BIG CHEST and I HAVE A PUSSY! Deidara is MAN therefore he has a DICK! there. That's all I got now guys. To all my haters keep hatin cause you ain't got nothing on me and all my fans...Thank for your support.

Author:.....That was a mouthful...Get it that was **Dirty** blond joke.....Haha made a joke and a PUN...:P Anyway next up is our weapons master TenTen

Tenten: Okay then Here goes. I'm Tenten...Not NINE-NINE or SIX SIX SIX...Satanic dumbasses. Now that all that is out of the way....I don't have much really. other than there was something that has been denied to me for so long....SCREENTIME! Come on I barely get anything in nowadays. I used to get so much with screentime but now even Konohamaru has more scenes then I do. It's not fair to me at all. I am a weapons expert. If I was in Soul eater I'd be a frikkin goddess where even that soul kid would want to screw me. Hell even that Doctor stein guy too

Dark female voice: HEY LEAVE MY DOCTOR OUT OF THIS! HE'S MINE!

Tenten:...OKaaaaaay..anyway in this anime I get downed by wind? Come on that totally nerfing me hardcore. I don't wanna end up like that one girl Kan'u what's her name getting nerfed to be more believable.

Temari: Yeah it only took me 3 moves to do it in.

Tenten:Oh piss off you!

Temari: Hahahaha!

Tenten: *sigh* anyway Second and very importantly..PAIRINGS...You will see that they do not make sense! I get stuck with either Neji or Lee? Come on I called Sasuke cute once. And maybe JUST MAYBE if I was so drunk I couldn't remember Naruto might be sexy too, But PLEASE don't stick me with Neji all the time damn it! I mean what do I have to do to get noticed? Release a sex tape or something?

Hinata: A sex tape? You?

Sakura: Don't make me laugh!

Ino: who would want to see that?

(Five minutes later, Ino, Sakura, And Hinata are seen unconscious and bleeding on the floor, Hinata even has a mace coming out of back.)

Tenten: Ah Naruto just the man I wanted to see!

Naruto: Hey tenten what's up.

Tenten: I'm making a video on sex education. You have to play the man. Let's go hot stuff!! (Nabs Naruto)

Naruto: Hey wait! Tenten hold on a second.

Tenten:Relax Mr. Protagonist. It's only gonna be a sex tape. Production starts now! I'll say I was plastered!

Naruto: Wait tenten! I wanted Sakura to be my first! TENTEEEEEN!

Author:Well that was interesting. I guess next up is none other then the Uchiha himself. Sasuke.

Sasuke: Yo!

Author: Your up now!

Sasuke: I heard Itachi did one...how was it?

Author: I could careless now RANT! I don't have all day you know!

Sasuke: Whatever. Anyway Yes I an Sasuke Uchiha...wait....Why am I here again?

Author: Chingado! Your doing a rant dork!

Sasuke: Oh yeah....Well then I guess I will have to rant about the "Anti Sasuke force five" Of what have you, Pairings which I will go into great detail with and some other crap, First off I seem to notice a trend to all the Sasuke haters as me being emo....Are you kidding me? What part me me screams out EMO...Do I wear black? Do I listen to depressing music? To I cut myself cause I feel depressed? Hell to the fuck no! I'm a regular guy who was just getting screwed over and over again every time. DEAL WITH IT! Also about the Mary sue label? Please just because We Uchiha's pull off shit out of the blue? That's what makes us awesome! We Uchiha's are very appealing people with a fanbase bigger than Naruto's.

Second, Pairings...Let me make this clear to you all.....I HATE EVERYONE! Sakura is too fucking clingy and Karin scares the shit out of me! I don't even know Hinata, We've never even talked not once in the series. And most importantly. I AM NOT _**GAY**_ Repeat _**NOT A HOMO**_! What part of I hate everyone don't you understand. Fucking Fushoji's putting me up with Naruto! He's My enemy for fucks sake, MY ENEMY! That so called "Kiss" was accidental. You fuckheads better realize that I am not interested in things like that. NO AT ALL! You that Kishimoto really likes to draw me more than Naruto. I think they shoyuld rename the series after me. I have a bigger fanbase then he does anyway...That's all I have to say...later.

Author: Wow they did more than I thought! Well then I guess that's it for me! I felt like I needed these people to rant about their concerns as well.

(A long silver haired girl comes into view!)

Girl: Excuse me

Author: Yes?

Girl: Have you seen this Konan girl anywhere!

Konan: HEy Author guy I found some-...oh it's you!

Girl: Konan...I heard you were talking bad things about me and the other girls!

Konan:..Oh really?....What you gonna do about it DYKE!

Girl: Do not insult me bitch! I am the great Shizuma!

Konan: OH I'm so scared. Shizuma is gonna hurt me! What ever shall I do!

(Shizuma pulls out an Uzi) This! (She fires off half the magazine as Konan shields herself with paper) Hah you'll have to do better than that WHORE!

Shizuma: You coward! GET BACK HERE!

Author:.............I have no idea where she came from but I don't care. Alright then back to the reality, See ya next time guys ^ ^.


End file.
